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I wouldn't take a bullet for The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard

Sequel to 2017 action picture features more of the same on a bigger budget

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Let me begin by throwing a bone to the studio and declaring that The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is every bit as funny as the 2017 original, The Hitman’s Bodyguard. Now as long as they don’t look up my review of that one

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The plot this time out feels like a mishmash of rejected James Bond storylines from the 1980s. Antonio Banderas plays a Greek terrorist named Aristotle Papadopouslos – he’s very Greek, you see – with a plan to restore his nation to its former glory of 2,500 years ago by wiping out Europe’s power and Internet. His infrastructure virus thingy is so powerful that a test deployment not only cuts power to a subway – it somehow derails it.

Interpol’s Bobby O’Neill (Frank Grillo) needs to stop him, and enlists the titular trio to help him out. Samuel L Jackson plays the hitman, Darius Kincaid. Ryan Reynolds is back as the bodyguard, Michael Bryce. And Salma Hayek reprises and expands her role as Sonia Kincaid, a.k.a. the wife.

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Also returning are writer Tom O’Connor and director Patrick Hughes, custodians of an even bigger budget that seems to have been split equally between explosives, travel expenses and gelato. Our anti-heroes race around to various beautiful locations in Italy, shooting and swearing and getting very horny for Hayek. Well, actually Jackson does all those things. Reynolds’ character is suffering PTSD from the events of the last movie (he and I both) and has decided he won’t be shooting off his gun or his mouth.

Instead, he engages in a rambling stream-of-consciousness commentary on the events of the film, which is probably the funniest thing going on in this movie. He is also forced to listen to the hitman and his wife make out, and suffer an embarrassing number of injuries, which are easily the least funniest bits.

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Somewhere in between is a car chase that demolishes both a flower stand and a fruit cart. I don’t know if this was meant ironically, but I was just happy to see it, as I like keeping track of movie clichés, and I hadn’t witnessed this old chestnut in a while.

The rest of The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is similarly stacked with bric-a-brac you’ve seen in other, better action movies. There’s a hacker, a computer virus, a briefcase full of cash, another briefcase that will explode if it gets too far from its owner, some very fast getaway boats, and a fight scene on a giant yacht that goes on so long that by the end there’s nothing left to break, and they have to resort to blowing the whole thing up.

That might not be a bad idea for the movie as well. Let’s let the director get on with his next one, The Man From Toronto (a title after my own heart) and let the cast move to better projects, preferably ones where Hayek can rely on the screenplay and not her cleavage for character development. Assassins, their protectors and even their significant others need to know when it’s time to retire.

The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard opens June 16 in theatres.

2 stars out of 5

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