Things I have learned, now I'm older

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Did you enjoy the Academy Awards this year?

Ellen was great, the presenters graciously doing their job, the speeches heartfelt and the fashions good. What more could we ask for? Well, for me, that I never have to listen to Bono sing ever again. But that’s just me.

A good laugh is nature’s best stress reliever and I surely want to help you reduce the anxiety and tension in your life. This should at least make you smile.

Got this email recently and, for some of us, it makes perfect sense. You may have seen it before but it’s always good to be reminded occasionally not to take life or ourselves too seriously.

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's behind anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years,

while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm “here after."

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. Have I sent this message to you before . . . or did I get it from you?




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